Cardinals 2025 Season Record

Right, let's talk about the St. Louis Cardinals' 2025 season record, shall we? Final tally: 78 wins, 84 losses, a firm grip on fourth place in the NL Central, and a postseason spent exactly where you'd expect — on the sofa. And not the Cardinals, as in the Arizona ones; those poor souls had it even worse, which is genuinely the only consolation available in St. Louis this year. This was the season the front office politely called a "transition year," which is corporate speak for "we've unplugged the telly for six months and asked the youth squad to entertain themselves." There were bright sparks — young arms getting innings, Victor Scott II sprinting about like a man who'd misplaced his keys — but broadly speaking, the whole campaign had the energy of a garden party in the rain: technically happening, nobody thrilled.

A Season So Lost, Even It Ended Up in Burketown

Aerial view of the remote outback town of Burketown in Queensland, Australia, surrounded by vast empty savannah under a wide sky

If you've never heard of Burketown, congratulations — neither had the Cardinals' offence for large stretches of 2025, and yet somehow they spent four months residing there emotionally. Burketown is remote, endlessly flat, and a very long way from anywhere useful, which is also a precise description of the bottom of the Cardinals' batting order from May onwards. There were innings where the lineup looked so baffled you suspected they'd been handed a map of Queensland and told to score runs from it. Fans kept asking, "are we there yet?" and the honest answer was no — we were nowhere near there, we'd taken a wrong turn outside Memphis and we were now being stared at by a wedge-tailed eagle. By the July trade deadline, the front office had packed the van with veteran relievers and driven them off to contenders, leaving the rest of us standing in the dust waving a tea towel.

The Summer Slump: Hot, Under Pressure, and Flowing Absolutely Nowhere

A flowing artesian bore gushing steaming hot water into a channel in the outback near Burketown, Queensland

Behold the artesian bore: water that sits kilometres underground, gets tremendously hot and pressurised, and then erupts in a great dramatic display that ultimately goes precisely nowhere. Now ask yourself whether that reminds you of any baseball team's August. The Cardinals could build a rally like nobody's business — runners aboard, crowd roaring, pressure building in the pipes — and then, with a magnificent hiss, it would all fizzle out into a double play and a man quietly walking back to the dugout to reconsider his life. Closer duty became a rotating cast after Ryan Helsley was traded, which was less "shut-down ninth inning" and more "guess which pipe bursts tonight." Honestly, the bore at Burketown at least has the decency to be consistently steaming; the Cardinals' offence preferred to alternate between geothermal fury and a sad trickle, usually within the same afternoon.

So where does that leave us? With a 78-84 record, a farewell to the Mozeliak era, and Chaim Bloom now holding the hose and promising young players actual runway in 2026. Optimism? Mild. Expectations? Manageable. At the very worst, there's always a lovely holiday in outback Queensland to take our minds off it — bring a hat, and perhaps a hitter or two.

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