Right, gather round, you lot. It has come to my attention that there is a baseball match involving the San Diego Padres happening today, and like any self-respecting person who has accidentally stumbled into the chaotic world of American sport, you probably just want to know one simple thing: what ruddy time does it start? Well, buckle up, because the answer is not as straightforward as you might hope, and I have been reliably informed that the Padres are a team worth watching, mostly because they seem to specialise in dramatic collapses and occasional heroics, much like a British summer.
Here is the thing: baseball does not care about your tea time, your bedtime, or your carefully planned evening of doing absolutely nothing. The Padres play on the West Coast of the United States, which means when they say "first pitch at 6:40pm", they mean Pacific Time. For those of us on British Summer Time, that translates to something ridiculous like 2:40am the following morning. Yes, you read that correctly. If you fancy watching the Padres game today live, you had better be a night owl, a shift worker, or someone with a very understanding boss. The good news is that baseball is a slow, contemplative game, so you can quite happily fall asleep during the fourth innings and wake up for the ninth without missing anything important. The bad news is that the commentary will be full of Americanisms like "he's got a cannon for an arm" and "that ball is gone, baby", which will make you long for the soothing tones of Test Match Special.
Assuming you have worked out the time and are still conscious, what can you actually expect? The San Diego Padres are a curious bunch. They have a tendency to sign very expensive players, wear brown and gold uniforms that look like a nostalgic tribute to a 1970s carpet, and then proceed to either batter the opposition into oblivion or lose in the most heartbreaking fashion imaginable. If you are new to baseball, do not panic. The rules are essentially rounders for adults, but with more spitting and statistics. The pitcher throws the ball, the batter tries to hit it, and everyone stands around looking serious for three hours. Occasionally, someone hits the ball very far, and everyone cheers. The Padres game today will likely feature at least one moment where a fielder makes a spectacular diving catch, followed immediately by a moment where the same fielder drops an easy catch and costs the team the lead. It is the circle of life.
If you are genuinely committed to watching the Padres game today at some ungodly hour, here are a few survival tactics. First, stock up on tea and biscuits. Second, learn the phrase "that was a terrible call, umpire" and shout it at your television every few minutes to feel involved. Third, accept that the game might go into extra innings, which means it could finish at 5am, just as the birds start singing and your neighbours start mowing their lawns. Fourth, remember that the Padres are fully capable of scoring six runs in one inning and then conceding seven in the next, so do not get too comfortable. And finally, if you miss the game entirely because you fell asleep, do not worry. Someone on the internet will have posted a three-minute highlight reel by the time you have finished your breakfast, featuring all the action with none of the endless adjusting of batting gloves. The Padres game today might not be easy to watch from the UK, but at least you can pretend you were there when they inevitably win or lose in spectacular style.