Rolex Submariner

Right, gather round. There is a watch out there so beloved, so endlessly imitated and so absurdly expensive that it has become the horological equivalent of a Labrador: everybody wants one, nobody can quite explain why, and it will happily follow you into a swimming pool without complaining. The Rolex Submariner is that watch. Born in 1953 as a proper tool for blokes who wrestled octopuses for a living, it is now worn by hedge-fund managers, plumbers from Bromley and at least four people in every Wetherspoons. It tells the time. That is genuinely all it does. And yet here we are, forty grand later, admiring the bezel like it is the Mona Lisa.

Why the Submariner Is Basically a Metal Security Blanket

Charcoal kiln sauna houses and steaming hot baths at a traditional Korean health village in Yeoju

Here is the thing about a Submariner: it is waterproof to 300 metres, which is brilliant news if you happen to be a haddock. The average owner has never been deeper than the shallow end of a hotel pool in Magaluf, and yet he will still tell you about the screw-down crown as though he personally invented it. The bezel rotates, so you can time your boiled eggs, a parking meter, or the exact moment your mate starts boring everyone senseless about his bezel. It is robust, it is handsome in a chunky, no-nonsense sort of way, and it holds its value better than most things you will ever buy. Which is precisely why you will find yourself staring at it at traffic lights, nodding slightly, feeling quietly smug, while a bloke on a bicycle overtakes you and does not care one bit.

Even a Submariner Would Steam Up in a Charcoal Kiln Sauna

A recommended charcoal kiln jjimjilbang sauna in Gyeonggi-do with people relaxing in the heat

Now, the Submariner can survive the crushing depths of the ocean, but take it into a proper charcoal kiln sauna and it will sulk like a wet cat. Extreme heat is the one thing that makes a mechanical watch weep, because oil thins, gaskets grumble, and your lovely chronometer starts gaining four seconds a day out of pure spite. So if you do fancy a spot of extreme perspiring, leave the Rollie in the locker with your trousers. This is the great irony of luxury watches: engineered to withstand pressure, magnetic fields and decades of abuse, yet defeated by a hot room and a bit of steam. Meanwhile the bloke who bought a £40 quartz Casio is snorkelling through the whole experience and has not even noticed.

So should you buy one? If you can afford it without remortgaging the dog, absolutely. A Submariner is the rare thing that looks smart with a suit, acceptable with a wetsuit and only mildly ridiculous with pyjamas at half past two in the morning. Just remember the golden rule: never, ever tell anyone you own one. Let them spot it. The smug silence is half the fun, and it is far cheaper than the servicing bill.

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